Too Worn Out To Prioritize Sex, What To Do?

Question

I need some advice. My husband and I have been married for over 20 years, we are in our 40s, and we have been completely faithful to each other. From my perspective, our sex life has always been very satisfying. I have never had any complaints. Of course, over the years we have experienced the ups and downs every long-term relationship experiences. We have kids who are now teenagers, which makes things in the bedroom a little more tricky. Teenagers also add a new level of stress to our lives. As you know, parenting teens can be an exhausting task. Sometimes I feel as though they sap the energy right out of me. My husband and I both work full-time and our jobs can be very stressful at times. On top of all that, I have an auto-immune disorder that causes fatigue and severe joint pain. Attacks are brought on by stress, weather, and who knows what else, so I feel that I am in a never-ending vicious circle.

My first question is how do you do it? If I remember from your past blogs, you guys have kids, jobs, and the typical stresses of everyday family life. By the way, I'm so glad that 2013 seems to be off to a great start for you both! I am happy for you. You both are inspiring! Where do you find the time and energy?

Second, is my own personal problem that I have to deal with, but I need help. For most of our lives together, I have been more of the sexually adventurous one, nothing too wild. I have always had a strong sex drive. My husband has always been more than willing to accommodate. He's a great man and a great lover. Last year, he took the initiative to do some research (a lot of research) and began buying us lots of fun toys! A great big thanks to you and Jane, by the way. I think you helped him a lot! We had so much fun last year. He made me very happy! My problem is that lately I don't feel very sexy. In fact, sometimes I feel foolish. I'm not sure why. I know I'm not in the best shape, definitely not anything like the pictures people post on your site. I'm about 25-30 lbs overweight. My husband has never complained about my weight and he's always been supportive. That's why I know the problem is me. I try to exercise but I'm not one of those people who crave exercise. I wish I were! I set goals, but I fail. I feel like I'm in an awful rut! I fix the kids breakfast and send them to school praying they make it in one piece (all three drive. Yikes!). Sometimes my husband and I make use of the time after they leave the house. These are the mornings I like, but I am not much of a morning person and I take some, okay, maybe a lot of coaxing. Then we work all day. We come home and before we hit the door the kids have already started hitting us up with their plans for the day, week, or weekend. Remember, we were just born yesterday so some of these conversations or requests turn into unpleasant arguments ending with at least one child stomping away and slamming a door. I go to bed usually feeling exhausted and sometimes defeated. My husband doesn't have much energy at the end of the day either. He really wants me to be a morning person. In the last two months our sex life has not seen as much action as usual and it is mostly me. So to sum it up, I feel unsexy, like I am not much of a wife, lover, or mom, and I'm tired. I really hope you have some advice to get me out of my rut.

Lastly, I am a person who needs intimacy outside of sex. I like to be held even if we don't plan to have sex, although I don't mind if it leads to sex. I seem to have a hard time getting my husband to understand. The last time I tried, I think I ended up hurting his feelings, which was not my intent and I felt horrible. I must be using the wrong words or my timing sucks or both. Any suggestions?

Desperately needing help,
Deb

Panelists opinions do not necessarily reflect those of Dick-n-Jane.com

Mark A. Michaels and Patricia Johnson
Profile | Website

Dear Deb,

We're sorry about the challenges you are facing. Stress can take an enormous toll, and it can often lead to a kind of emotional dogpiling. Your email raises multiple issues, some of which are outside the scope of our knowledge.

Given all the problems you are currently facing, we'd strongly encourage you to find a counselor or therapist (one who is sensitive to your particular situation) to help you deal with some of these issues. In addition, finding a form of meditation that you can and will do on a regular basis can be very helpful for managing stress and also coping with the fatigue and pain you suffer. Here's a link that should help you find some resources for using meditation to manage chronic illness:

http://www.mindfullivingprograms.com/whatMBSR.php

Guided meditation can be a great way to relieve stress, and we have developed a technique we call Ananda Nidra®. It's inspired by a traditional Tantric practice, but it has a specifically sensual focus. It's likely to leave you feeling refreshed and more erotically charged. All you have to do is lie down (sitting is okay too) and follow the instructions. We have a 45-minute version available for purchase in CD or MP3 format, but you (and other readers) can download the fifteen minute version here for free:

http://tantrapm.bandcamp.com/album/ananda-nidra-beyond-the-power-nap

Give it a try and see if it helps.

You may also find that both meditation and therapy will provide you with tools for de-escalating the conflicts you are having with your children. They may help you feel more relaxed and open to being sexual.

Remember that you and your husband recently had a great year of sexual experimentation, so you have built up a lot of goodwill. As a way to get back in the groove, we suggest that you schedule dates with your husband at times that work for both of you and that you do your best to keep those dates and make love, even if you're not feeling sexy. Some people are reluctant to do this because they think sex should be spontaneous and that desire is paramount. The truth is that people can get turned on whether they're feeling desire or not, and once arousal sets in the question of "being in the mood" is moot. Since your kids are all able to drive, you can simply tell them that you need some private time and would like to have the house to yourselves when you've scheduled your dates. This may feel a little awkward, but chances are they won't ask, and all you have to do is set the boundary; there's no need for you to tell.

Since we weren't present when you asked your husband for more affection outside of a sexual context, we can't say for sure why the conversation went awry. Stress levels were quite likely a contributing factor; it also seems possible that you asked in a way that made it difficult or impossible for him to hear you or to absorb what you were saying; he may have taken what you said as a criticism or a rejection; it's even possible that he misunderstood you and thought you were saying you are interested in affection but not sex. We always encourage people to begin their their requests by sharing a minimum of three things you love about your sex-life and relationship, so if you were to frame it along the lines of – "I love making love with you, and I'm so grateful that you'v been adventurous lately. The experimenting we've been doing and the sex toys have brought me a lot of pleasure. I want to keep on exploring. I also love to cuddle with you, even when sex isn't involved. Sometimes, I'm tired, stressed out, or in pain. That can make it very hard to feel sexy, but I love it when you touch me or hug me even if it's not going to lead to a sexual encounter."

Hope this is helpful

Jane of Dick-n-Jane.com
(degreed Nursing professional)

Hello Deb,

Thanks for contacting us and trusting us with your intimate feelings. First, let me just tell you that I can definitely identify with you on many levels. We too are in our 40's, have been married for almost 20 years and have teenagers. We have faced the ups and downs of marriage as well and let me tell you, it's not always easy. Marriage takes work and sexual intimacy takes work, even without the added stress of; full time jobs, teenagers, and health issues. I will address your questions as I see them and as best I can.

How do we do it? There are many factors involved in maintaining a fulfilling sex life when married with children and jobs, finding the time and energy being one of the most challenging aspects. As I stated in our recent blog post Thirteen Is Our Get Lucky Number, I found through the 30 day challenge that it wasn't really all that hard to find the time and energy for a sexual connection every day. I actually found that at the end of a long day intimate sexual connection didn't really require much energy at all, was refreshing, and even relaxing. I totally get the teenager thing. We have a 13 year old daughter who's turn on a dime mood swings can cast a cloud over the entire household, zapping any and all sexual energy from me. But I have learned that the connection to Dick at the end of the day actually makes me feel better. I think sometimes it's just a matter of intimate connection on some level. Which I think kind of makes the rest just fall into place. In their book Great Sex Made Simple, Mark and Patricia outline some wonderful ideas for connecting with your partner (yes, the same Mark and Patrica who also responded to your question above). For us, it began with what we affectionately call the "naked hug". Every single night when we get into bed one of us crawls over naked on top of the other for a skin on skin embrace. That contact does wonders for a person. No matter what kind of day you've had. Invariably the genitals find each other and the arousal builds from there. Try it! We also keep connected to each other during the day by sending sexy, suggestive, flirty texts or emails to each other as well as sexy images and gifs found on Tumblr which keeps the sexual "battery" charged.

Intimacy outside of sex is something I believe we all need and, according to the following article, it is the key to a successful long term relationship: Lots of Nonsexual Touching Is the Key to a Successful Long-Term Relationship. Dick has some things to say on this topic, see his answer below.

Self image issues can zap sexual energy for sure. It's hard to be sexy when you don't feel sexy. I personally went through a "body transformation" 10 years ago (Dick wrote about it here). I was 40 lbs overweight and started having health issues because of it. I have 2 pieces of advice to offer here.

- First, losing weight and getting healthy requires a life change, not a fad diet or tons of vigorous exercise. It takes making a decision to change. I have done extensive research on nutrition in the last 10 years and have come to the conclusion that sugar and grains are the key to what makes us fat. You said you have an auto-immune disease that causes severe joint pain and fatigue. Have you ever tried a gluten-free diet? Often times people with one auto immune disease have other auto immune issues such as Celiac Disease or even simple gluten intolerance. I think you will find if you ditch gluten and limit sugar and carbohydrates you will see both weight loss and, quite possibly, an improvement in your other symptoms as well.

- Second, as far as exercise goes, when I decided to change myself 10 years ago I started a 6 day per week exercise program that was sustainable. I am not one, as you said, who craves exercise either but I have learned over the years that long drawn out cardio sessions are actually counter productive. You don't need to run on a treadmill for an hour to get the benefits of exercise. Do something you enjoy and start simple. Try yoga or walking. When you start to lose weight and start to feel better, you'll be able to do more. At this point I do sprints three times a week, simple weight lifting 2 days a week and a nice long walk the other day. I totally understand that finding time to exercise is just something else to add to your day, but I'm a firm believer that taking care of yourself first, helps you to deal better with everything else in your life. Feeling good about yourself goes a long way! Remember, when setting your goals for weight loss and exercise, make sure they are realistic and very specific. Write them down, keep a journal, and check in with yourself on a daily basis.

Dick of Dick-n-Jane.com
(layman with a website)

There's no time, you're just too busy. It's late and you are tired. Stress and distraction chase away every drop of desire. All this sound familiar?

It's not that Jane and I can empathize by imagining your situation, rather that we have been stuck dead center in that same mess before, for extended periods of time! Who knows, we might get stuck there again someday but we're learning some tools along the way which will help us a great deal in our next downturn. Maybe some of our simple techniques can get you moving in the right direction again today.

My recent struggle with anorgasmia forced a change in my perspective and helped me better understand my own desire. You and your husband might try a mutual agreement to abstain from sex for two weeks while at the same time ramping up your shared physical intimacy, as described below.

Physical touch is an essential nutrient to personal health and happiness (interesting related article, Human Connections Start With a Friendly Touch). Sometimes busy married types only get the touch they need from sex, so sex itself begins to seem like the essential thing they need. But sex has its own set of requirements; sufficient time, energy, and clean up, among others and this (often undesirable) overhead can thwart efforts to get the simple touch we need. Because we associate intimate touch with an expectation for sex, we can end up withholding affection for fear of initiating something we don't want to finish.

Change the rules, remove the expectation for sex and ramp up the physical affection. These days Jane and I make a conscious effort to touch each other as often as we can. Skin on skin is the most effective and something as simple as holding hands works well. There is no reason teenagers in the house would be disruptive to this... and you can even do it when you're dead tired and not feeling well. In fact, you might find it helps you feel better.

To maximize the skin on skin effect, we recently agreed to a fully naked hug at least once a day. It started out as a standing hug during our morning routines but shifted quickly to bedtime. At this point it often involves a sexual position and sometimes leads to sex... even when we're both feeling beat up from a tough day. The goal is not the sex, it is the physical intimacy.

I'm not suggesting an emphasis on touch is a cure-all, but it's such a simple and easy tool that trying it is not an overwhelming effort. The benefits are mutual, can lead to feeling more desired by you partner which can, in turn, boost self image. You can even extend a focus on touch to other relationships in your life to include your kids, parents, and even your pets. Sans the sex, of course. ;o)

Your husband seems willing to experiment in the bedroom and he is already familiar with who we are... tell him Dick and Jane have an idea to spice up your marriage that he should consider.

Good luck Deb!

(open for moderated reader comments)

Once Cheated On, Always Cheated On?

Question

Since I started dating until today, I have never had anyone, not a single woman, be completely faithful. Every single one of my girl fiends, my first wife and my current wife of 10 years, has had an extra experience with sex outside or on top of the time we have been together. Sometimes I have known about it, sometimes I have discovered it later through friends and sometimes they have confessed. I have quit being surprised. I have just learned to deal with it.

From my perspective, the phrase "once cheated on, always cheated on" speaks powerfully to me. I have always felt completely attracted to independent strong women, women who can take care of themselves and make their own decisions. Even though their decisions and independence put them in powerful positions to lead their lives in full and me in danger of experiencing conflicted emotional turmoil; feeling of some sort of loss and then success when I win her back. I remain convinced that I don't own them, I guess obviously.

All of this has put me in an intensely sexual roller coaster ride that has no end that is now repeating itself. I will admit the feeling of winning her back after her indiscretions are very powerful for me.My first girlfriend noticed how much fun it was to have makeup sex. She was honest and admitted to all the specific details of her outside activities after first I discovered her cheating. I guess I too found the makeup sex was passionate, exhilarating, even intoxicating. Since then I have always been honest with my girlfriends and wives. I always have shared that other women have cheated on me, that I have been faithful and always worked to win them back and tried to make the relationship a success. I am proud of this as proof that I am committed to

her happiness.

I do keep my current wife "busy" and we are active, but the moments of indiscretion persist, followed by discovery and unbelievable makeup sex. The die seems cast to repeat itself and as I said, I have learned to deal with it. Am I doing the right thing?

Panelists opinions do not necessarily reflect those of Dick-n-Jane.com

Cassie Wolfe LSW, MEd
Profile | Website

Dear Right Thing~
Being on a sexual rollercoaster can absolutely be fun and exhilarating with people becoming quite trapped and addicted to the “ups and downs” that by definition come along with it. On the one hand, it serves the purpose of foreplay; on the other, it can be emotionally draining and confusing, ultimately leaving you with a sense of emptiness and uncertainty. The question is: do you want to get off?

Regardless of gender, we should all be entitled to live full and independent lives despite our relationship status. You are right…you don’t own them, nor do they own you. However, making one’s own decisions, being independent, or being strong does not justify cheating, poor communication of unmet needs, deceit, and overall bad behaviors. You talked a lot about being attracted to women who exert some level of power and shared your struggle between feeling your loss of power, followed by a feeling of success after “winning them back.” I’m wondering if this theme has been present in other areas of your life or if this has been something you have been dealing with throughout your romantic relationships. What else gives you a sense of power, meaning, or purpose? Sexually, what really turns you on?

Alternatively, there are various types of relationship styles that extend past our ideas of traditional monogamy. People engage in open marriages where one or both partners are allowed to sexually engage with others. Couples develop polyamorous relationships where they actually form serious romantic relationships with multiple people and/or another couple. And, some men enjoy being in a relationship with a partner whom they know is being unfaithful while they remain monogamous, also known as cuckoldry. In the cuckold relationship, the man typically identifies with or as a victim, and experiences some level of pleasure out of being submissive and/or humiliated by his wife’s unfaithfulness. Cuckoldry is usually framed under a fetishistic/masochistic umbrella which many people can and do enjoy.

Some questions I think you should consider are: Do you feel guilty about enjoying, to some level, your previous and current partners’ infidelities? Do you want to be in a traditionally monogamous relationship? Are you actually troubled by your partners’ infidelities because socially we tend to frown upon alternative relationship styles that don’t fit so neatly into the monogamy box or because you are actually hurt by the cheating? Regardless of the answers to these questions, I think it would still be helpful to have a sit down with your wife to bluntly ask her, “What the hell are you doing?” From a safety perspective, underneath the hot makeup sex, is the real potential of jeopardizing your own health by contracting a sexually transmitted infection.

Unfortunately, there are no definitively right/wrong answers here; you can only figure out what is right/wrong for you. However, please know that you deserve the same level of fulfillment and happiness in your relationship as your partner does!

(open for moderated reader comments)

Sexually Disinterested Wife Caught Masturbating

Question

I am 40 yrs old, handsome, small muscular build and well endowed. My wife is 48 yrs old, a little chubby, VERY attractive and we have no kids. We have not had sex or any kind of intimacy in a very long time and we been married 16 yrs. She says she has no more sex drive or desire for sex.

Long story short.... I came home from work 2 hours early one day and heard the garden tub water jets running on high full blast and making a humming sound. I slowly peeked into our bathroom and saw my wife laid back in the tub with her eyes closed and legs spread wide hanging over each side of the tub. She was sitting so close to the main water jet that it looked like it was penetrating her pussy. She started to moan, her legs started to shake and then her whole body started to convulse and buck and I MEAN BUCK, humping her pelvis into the water jet she was screaming very loud AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!! I have never heard or seen a woman have such a powerful orgasm for so long and multiple orgasms at that. Good thing we do not have neighbors.

She was so involved in making her self orgasm that she never aware that I was peeking secretly from the darkened hall looking into the bathroom, I was and still am at A LOSS FOR WORDS but very turned on too. A few years back i brought up masturbation and sex toys to try to spark up things again and i asked if she masturbates or tried it she became very upset and said NEVER!! So not wanting to upset her or embarrass her again i left the house quietly and returned home at my regular time. She was still having orgasms as I left the house.

I guess she has been taking days off from her work from time to time and give herself pleasures I can not compete with. How should i handle this she still has no idea I caught her.

Sincerly please help.
- Bobby

Panelists opinions do not necessarily reflect those of Dick-n-Jane.com

Mark A. Michaels and Patricia Johnson
Profile | Website

Dear Bobby,

As is so often the case, you're facing multiple issues. We think that foremost among them at this point are trust or the lack thereof and poor communication about sex. No doubt your trust was damaged by your discovery, given that your wife claimed to have no sex drive and denied masturbating, even if that was a few years ago. It's possible that she's discovered herself sexually in the intervening years, or that her sex drive has increased with age, as it does in some women. Even if one or both of these things is true, she never told you about it and seems to have been actively keeping secrets from you. It's also clear that you have not been communicating with each other about sex, and perhaps never did so very well, as the conversation about masturbation and sex toys suggests.

You have a couple of options. You can remain silent and pretend the incident never happened, effectively maintaining the status quo: no communication, damaged trust, and no sex, which is not a recipe for a happy marriage. Alternatively, you can take steps to rebuild the trust and get better at talking about sex. This may be a slow and challenging process, especially if you have not been physically (let alone sexually) intimate in years.

Under these circumstances, we strongly encourage you to find a good therapist who is comfortable dealing with sexual issues (sadly, not all couples therapists have the training or skills to do so.) Of course, your wife will have to be willing to take this step as well, so you'll have to have some communication about the issue before you get to therapy. This may mean telling her what you saw (something we think you'll have to do eventually), or it may simply involve an expression of your wish for more intimacy and erotic connection and a suggestion that therapy might be helpful. We don't know enough about either one of you to say which approach would be wisest.

The American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counsellors, and Therapists is a good place to start looking for a qualified professional:

http://www.aasect.org/directory.asp

Be sure to shop around and find a therapist who's both qualified and a good fit for you both.

(open for moderated reader comments)

Questions About My Husband's Sexuality

Question

Hello my name is Dawn I have been married for 8 months. This is not my first marriage or his . I am 46 and he is 65. Sex was great when we first started and I found out he had an implant for his penis I was fine with it things were great. About three months Into our relationship the implant broke and he had it for ten years. We had it replaced but its not the same it is not very hard and it points down. He can not Make me cum and has a hard time making himself cum. That's one problem. The major problem we r having is I think my husband is bi- sexual. He has books of naked men all tied up. He looks at naked men tied up a lot. And he wants for me to wear a strap on and do him from behind. He has bought toys for me to do him from behind hand held. He likes to be tied up and spanked and put in pain especially his nipples. I asked him if he was attracted to men and he told me he has had fantasies about men. All this is a major turn off for me cause I feel my husband is not being honest with me. I believe he is bi- sexual or a closet homosexual. He says he is not gay and resents me saying that, he says I am not well read and this is normal. Is this normal? I mean are all men like this cause I have never met a man that needs to be overpowered or in pain to get off and that looks at male naked porn tied up. He likes me to bite his nipples while he jerks off,or uses a tense unit on his his nipples. He wants me to dominate him tie him up etc. I have expressed that this does nothing for me. Is he bi-sexual or maybe gay? What are your opinions? Thank you!

Sincerely:
Lost In the truth

Panelists opinions do not necessarily reflect those of Dick-n-Jane.com

Dr. Charlie Glickman
Profile | Website

Ok, the first thing I need to respond to is your question "is this normal?" That word has a lot of different meanings and when it comes to sex, many of them get in the way. Are your husband's desires common? Probably not. But it's totally normal, in the sense that a lot of men have similar fantasies. And ultimately, the question of whether something is normal or not isn't really relevant. The more important question is whether it works for both of you. From your story, it clearly doesn't. So let's focus on that, instead of whether it's normal.

Second thing- a lot of heterosexual men enjoy anal sex, prostate play, pegging (having a woman use a strap-on), and BDSM. The kinds of sensations people like are because of how their bodies are wired and how they feel about the kinds of sex they do. Sexual orientation is about the gender of the people they're attracted to. While there's often a connection between those two things, there's really no way to determine someone's sexual orientation from the kinds of sex they enjoy. Trust me- as the author of The Ultimate Guide to Prostate Pleasure, I've spoken with hundreds of heterosexual men who enjoy anal and prostate play with women.

I also want to point out that despite how porn is commonly understood, the reasons and the ways that people enjoy it are complex. Fantasies are also pretty complicated and a lot of people fantasize about things that they don't actually want to do. That's not limited to sex- if you've ever fantasized about quitting your job and traveling around the world without actually wanting to make that happen in real life, you know what I'm talking about.

So one good question for him is: "What is it about these fantasies that draws you to them?" Different people can have identical fantasies for completely different reasons and the details that turn them on the most can be entirely different, even within the same general story. If he can answer that question, it'll offer you both some clarity around this. Another really good question for him to consider is "When did these desires first come up for you?" From your story, it sounds like this is a recent shift. Does it have anything to do with the implant replacement? Are these fantasies that were there before that, but that he hadn't acknowledged? Were they there all along, but he hadn't done anything about them? Without knowing the answers to these sorts of questions, any interpretation of what they mean is only a guess. And in my experience, those kinds of guesses are very rarely accurate.

With all of that in mind, I don't think it's up to me or you to decide if he's gay or bisexual. The only person who can determine that is him. However, what I hear in your story is a lot of frustration, especially since he wants you to engage in sexual activities that don't do much for you. Now, one question for you to consider is whether any portion of the reason those things don't work for you is that you've been assuming that they mean something about his sexual orientation and how you feel about that. But it's also important to know that if your partner's sexual preferences aren't your cup of tea, you both need to find a way to find some common ground.

One way to do that is to take turns doing what the other person enjoys. It's not clear from your story whether you're getting what you want, or if he only wants to do what he wants. Some couples take turns, and that works better if you can each enjoy your partner's pleasure and enjoyment even when the things that create that don't do much for you. Other people find places where their interests overlap so they can do both at the same time. But that really only works if you can both be honest about what you want from each other.

In my opinion, the best way to do that is to work with a skilled couples therapist. Having worked with therapists, both professionally and personally, I can tell you that a good one can work as a communication coach by helping you each find the words you need and the tools to share them with each other. Check out the listings from the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors, and Therapists. And if there's nobody close enough to you, call someone in the same general area and ask for a more local referral. Plenty of great therapists aren't listed on that site but they'll be in the address books of the folks who are, so that can be a place to start.

I'm sorry that this is such a tough situation for you and I hope that you and your husband can get the support and information you need to get through it. And trust me- other people have been in exactly the same spot you're in and have come through, just fine.

Mark A. Michaels and Patricia Johnson
Profile | Website

Dear Dawn,

It's very difficult to answer questions such as yours without more information. We're not clear on why you feel your husband is not being honest with you, since your email suggests he has not made any effort to conceal his sexual interests. It's possible that your "feeling" is right, but based solely on what you've described, it also seems possible that he has been honest.

While it's certainly true that some men discover an interest in having same sex encounters later in life, the fact that he's turned on by these images, sometimes fantasizes about men, and wants anal penetration with a strap-on does not necessarily mean that he wants to take these fantasies any further. It's possible that he does, but it's also possible that he doesn't have any interest in acting on any same sex attraction he may have.

It's pretty clear that your husband is kinky, and it's possible that the sensations he experiences in kinky play have become more important to his sexual functioning given his age and whatever health issues led him to get an implant. The erotic imagery you describe may turn him on because he identifies with the man in bondage, not because he wants to have sex with another man. Again, there are other possibilities, and we're not saying this with any certainty.

You might want to do some reading on kink, perhaps starting with Dossie Easton's When Someone You Love is Kinky, to get more insights into kink. If you can go with him on the journey, and take pleasure in the fact that dominating him in the ways you describe is a huge turn-on for him, you may find yourself enjoying the role and that your relationship is closer.

Your question suggests that there are multiple issues. One is sexual dissatisfaction; it's not clear from your email whether he makes any effort to bring you to orgasm or whether your dissatisfaction is broader than that. A second is your concern about his orientation and the accompanying mistrust. Third, there's your discomfort with his kinkier interests. Addressing all of these issues requires good communication skills, honesty, forthrightness, and kindness on both sides. Finding a skillful, compassionate, and kink-friendly therapist might be the best approach. You might try someone from this directory:

https://ncsfreedom.org/resources/kink-aware-professionals-directory/kap-directory-homepage.html?catid=14

(open for moderated reader comments)

Voyeur Wants To Take Wife To Sex Parties

Question

I love my wife and we are in an monogamous relationship. I would like us to be voyeurs e.g. at swingers parties. I would love to watch other couples have sex while my wife and I watch. I drop subtle and not so subtle hints but no luck. Can you help? Suggestions?
- John

Panelists opinions do not necessarily reflect those of Dick-n-Jane.com

Dr. Charlie Glickman
Profile | Website

While dropping hints sometimes works, I'm a big fan of being direct. It doesn't always work, but at least it means you don't have to wonder about it anymore.

First thing to do is to ask yourself what it is about the idea of watching people having sex that turns you on. There's a good chance your wife will ask, so having an answer ready to go will make things easier for you. And even if she doesn't ask, knowing what it is that makes that a thrill can help you figure out exactly what you want to ask for.

One good way to bring the topic up is to ask her something like "Is there anything you've been wanting to try sexually? Are there any fantasies you'd like to explore? Is there anything you'd like that we haven't been doing?" Asking her for this first gives you a chance to demonstrate that her pleasure and desires are important to you. Don't rush through this chat to get to the part you want to get to- take your time and really talk about it. Since you've been dropping hints, it'll be reassuring to her that you understand that this is a two-way street. Once that conversation has run its course, you can bring up the things you're interested in. And who knows- she might ask!

I think it's also worth mentioning that there are a lot of ways to play with voyeurism without necessarily going to a club. Lots of people enjoy watching porn together, in part because they don't have to worry about finding swingers parties they feel comfortable. Check out www.goodvibrationsvod.com for lots of fun ones.

If both of you do want to check out swingers parties, I suggest doing a little research about them first. Find some groups local to your area and read their websites. Different parties have different rules and expectations, so it's good to find out about them in advance. You might also want to save a list of websites or links to offer your wife so she can do some of her own research. Check out some of the many blogs by swingers like this one or this one to get some good info.

Lastly, your wife might not be into the idea, for any of a number of reasons. She might not be interested in voyeurism. She might be worried about who might see her or the two of you there. She might have concerns about you comparing her to the other women there. She might not want anyone to be watching her. Instead of trying to convince her otherwise, this is where it's helpful to have considered what it is that turns you on about it. There might be ways to make it a win-win for both of you, but only if you can each be clear about what you want and don't want.

Good luck!

Lanae StJohn
Profile | The MamaSutra

I always love to hear from couples who are so into each other and want to try new things together. As the saying goes, variety is the spice of life. This experience has the potential to be extra special because you have each other - a partner with whom you feel safe and comfortable.

It appears the approach you have been taking up to this point - the "subtle and not-so-subtle hints" - isn't working. Communication – and I can't say this enough – is the thread that holds the fabric of your relationship together. Yes, it is difficult to talk about sex when you're not an educator who talks about this all the time, but being able to communicate your needs, wants, and desires openly with your partner is so incredibly important in your relationship. I mean this broadly outside of just the sex thing as well.

Here's a suggestion: one of these upcoming nights the two of you can sit down and have a Questions Night. This is the night where you two get together and talk about your fantasies. One of my favorite tools for this "sit down" is the "Yes No Maybe" exercise (this link from fellow panelist Charlie Glickman). The instructions for the "Yes No Maybe" exercise on this page are thorough as is the definition of terms. There is a section at the end where you can add your own items. Think of this section like the write-in option on a ballot. If the two of you are being completely honest you may learn some interesting thoughts and fantasies from your partner.

It is important to set some ground rules at the beginning of having this conversation. Try to avoid making faces or judging your partner or otherwise reacting in any manner to the items on the list. There's a saying within the field of sexology: "Don't Yuck Someone Else's Yum".

I think it's a good idea to revisit this list on an annual basis... Maybe even quarterly. I am a firm believer that our sexuality is an ever evolving and nuanced aspect of our humanity. I don't mean to say that we get progressively more extreme as we mature. I mean what turned us on last week might not turn us on in the same way six months from now... and that's ok.

Here's another suggestion for how to talk to your partner: think about the talking points of watching other couples have sex. Make sure you're prepared to talk more extensively about this fantasy for you. Know she may not be prepared to ask questions so it would be a good idea for you to think through the answers to questions such as these: what part of watching another couple have sex is a turn on for you, why do you want to do this, have you done this before, where would we do this, etc. Your partner may wonder if she isn't enough for you anymore, etc. Sometimes knowing a partner wants to see other people in sexual situations has a tendency to raise insecurities in some people. Be prepared with compassionate and well-thought out answers.

Even after all of this discussion your partner may still not be comfortable. That's ok. Maybe the two of you can brainstorm some ways that would feel safe for both of you and still meet both of your needs. Maybe she would be ok with watching porn together instead of real live people? The new site MakeLoveNotPorn.tv has some real life examples of real couples. It's important for you to keep an open mind as well when going through the brainstorming process. But know this: Consent is very important; you should not coerce your partner to do something she doesn't want to do. Resentment is not a good motivator. But do keep talking.

Thanks for your question. Remember, the Keys to Good Sex are Education, Communication (including Negotiation) & Exploration. Have fun!

xxoo,
The MamaSutra

Jane of Dick-n-Jane.com
(degreed Nursing professional)

John,
Do you and your wife watch porn together? If not, that might be a good place to start, it could then be a good segue to a direct conversation about your fantasy. Tell her about your fantasy, what is it about the idea of voyeurism with your wife that turns you on. Ask her thoughts instead of just dropping hints (be they subtle or not so subtle). Be prepared that she might not be into the idea though, she might be scared, she might find the idea threatening or she might surprise you and be totally into the idea. Just remember to approach with love and understanding, make sure she knows that it’s the idea of doing it together that excites you and try to be able to explain why that would excite you.
Let us know how it goes.

Dick of Dick-n-Jane.com
(layman with a website)

Commitment to monogamy does not signify the end of a person's sexual growth; you and your wife have likely discovered new things together, approached or crossed boundaries, and been guided by one another's interests. Sometimes we grow in directions that disinterest our partner, your desire to be present at sex parties or clubs has obviously developed independent of your wife. You haven't fully shared this desire, likely out of fear she'll be angry, disappointed, or hurt.

You might be able to downplay the strength of your interest and talk (or trick) her into going in hope that she'll be into it. That would be a mistake. You would not enjoy the experience with a date who was uncomfortable and likely wondering about your intentions. It would be preferable (I'm sure you'll agree) if she was into the idea and capable of arousal with you.

She needs to feel confident and secure to enjoy herself at a party like that. She may want to go with you because she's aroused by the idea of voyeurism or simply because she loves you and wants to make you happy. She can't have doubts about your intentions... and so "hinting around" ain't gonna cut it! Spill the beans, John.

Explain to her WHY you want to go. Assure her that you are not just trying to groom her for the Lifestyle. Talk about how you both will respond when you are approached by others at the party. What are her fears, is she scared of being recognized? Be honest and get all your hidden desires out in the open. She may decide to test the water with you... or she may refuse to cross that boundary. If you risk nothing you gain nothing.

(open for moderated reader comments)