Ask Dick-n-Jane: Sex and Relationship Advice

May 4, 2012

Seeking A Sex Toy Similar To A Jacuzzi Jet

Question

I am a 72 year-old male who has been radiated for prostate cancer. My best self generated orgasms since grade school have come from jaccuzzi and swimming pool water jets. I want to duplicate the same affect at home, without resorting to an external pump in my bath tub. Like is there a slow motion shower head massager? Slow movement is the answer, no less than two seconds per pulse. Humming devices do absolutely nothing for me. I own a Full Stroke machine; its slow motion is still too fast--its generated Os have no duration or subtlety to them. They are intense but short lived, two seconds after they start I am grabbing for the off switch. I can get a partial erection without ED meds, enough for the machine to do its job.

With 100 mgs or more of Viagra in me I achieve wonderful, 20-30 sec, very intense manual Os. But EDs lower my blood pressure too much; even after going to that well for twelve years it has begun to bother my energy level.

Thanks

Panelists opinions do not necessarily reflect those of Dick-n-Jane.com

Mark A. Michaels and Patricia Johnson
Profile | Website

Dick of Dick-n-Jane.com
(layman with a website)

(open for moderated reader comments)

April 25, 2012

How Do Cock Rings Work?

Question

Jeez what a piece of hardware, your new cockring looks like it might have been a custom fit.... I found the site where you indicate you purchase your man stuff and was wondering.... I am an older guy with the unfortunate diagnosis of ED. Although Levitra and the "'Big Blue Pill" almost, keyword ALMOST, work I have been tempted to try a cockring to enhance the rigidity.....do they work? and to what extent? is the enhancement acheived come from the psychological aspect of wearing it or strictly the physical? Anyway, I have been thinging about buying one and trying it but if it doesn't work I guess it would be an interesting conversation piece.

Thanks

Dick of Dick-n-Jane.com
(layman with a website)

(open for moderated reader comments)

April 18, 2012

Having Trouble Achieving Vaginal Orgasm

Question

So far in my life I've only been able to have a vaginal orgasm about three times from what I can count but they've only happened when I was masturbating. One of the things I want more than anything, to be honest like you two, is to be able to orgasm vaginally with my partner since I've heard with a partner it is one of life's most beautiful experiences.

My only problem is that I'm an incredibly shy and enclosed person. I love my boyfriend more than I've ever loved anybody and our sex is incredibly passionate and loving but I continuously feel like we rush through it. We live an hour and a half away so we rarely see each other (which does make the meeting all the more steamier) but I feel like he rushes through it. He just wants to cum and what experts say is the 20 minutes of necessary foreplay is more like four minutes.

Not only this but I'm not exactly as comfortable around him as I feel I should be. I know he loves me more than anything, but I'm not assertive. I'm afraid to make moves or ask for things and likewise so is he which I feel is greatly hindering our relationship. Should I talk to him about this issue?

From your Nine Was The Magic Number post I was hoping (since we have a six day spring break week planned just the two of us and a hotel room) that I could coerce him into lying in bed with me all day in the hopes of feeling emotionally closer and achieving a vaginal orgasm with him by asking him just want to do nothing but please me.

Also we mainly only really just have sex. We've made love and it was beautiful and we have phone sex and we have just typical sex a lot but a lot of the time it leaves me feeling unsatisfied and more importantly frustrated due to not being able to orgasm vaginally because I crave being close to him but I have trouble vaginal orgasming (tips if possible please) so I rely on clitoral stimulation but we don't use cock rings and like we all know, trying to rub your clit with someone on top can get awkward, and we've orgasmed together but it was doggie style and clitoral and I want something more, I want a deep connecting, body rocking, legs can barely move after experience with him.

Do I just need to be more comfortable with him and the rest will fall into place? Is it just impossible for some women to vaginal orgasm? Am I breathing wrong? I think I psyche myself out because I feel like he's more selfish but I'm too afraid to ask him to change. It's a vicious cycle.

Help please,

- Shy

Panelists opinions do not necessarily reflect those of Dick-n-Jane.com

Dr. Chelsea Holland
Profile | Website

There are several things that have jumped out at me from reading your inquiry. If I understand correctly, you would like your passionate sessions with your boyfriend to last longer, to not be just “typical sex”, and to have a vaginal orgasm; however, both of you lack assertiveness so bringing up the topic of trying new things or talking about your concern is tough.

What I want to say to you first is that, unfortunately, it has been a long-time attempt to convince women they should not only need penetration during sex to have an orgasm but that the vaginal orgasm is the crown jewel of sexual satisfaction. Sounds a lot like a “males-rule-all” scenario to me. With such expectations filling men and women’s minds, when a vaginal orgasm during penetration alone doesn’t happen then thoughts of inadequacy, frustration, and just plain being pissed off occurs. Sound familiar? Forcing this model of sex is not helping women out because penetration just isn’t what most women need to have an orgasm. Although penetration alone works for some, it doesn’t work for a lot of women. To help provide some explanation, here is some information gathered from various studies. (Now, stay with me here. I know it’s a lot of information)

The Vaginal Orgasm

In an effort to answer many questions, including the answer to the question, “Are clitoral and vaginal orgasms truly separate anatomic entities?” Masters and Johnson studied hundreds of men’s and women’s sexual responses, the results of which are in their book Human Sexual Response. The results of their effort led them to conclude that, “From a biological point of view, the answer to this question is an unequivocal No.” (65).

Wait, WHAT?! There is no vaginal orgasm? Nope.

Instead, what differs is the variation in the direct or indirect stimulation of the clitoris, which then causes a variation in the duration, intensity, and subjective feeling of an orgasm. Different types of touch and duration of that touch cause different orgasmic experiences for women, which means variations in stimulation will also cause different feelings of orgasm for you. For example, an orgasm from a vibrator on your clitoris might feel different from the orgasm you feel when your partner’s penis is inside of you, your clitoris is rubbing against his pubic bone and he’s pulling your hair. They can feel deep, superficial, dull, and intense...anything under the sun depending on what you’re doing and how YOU interpret the feeling. Further, an orgasm that comes quickly might feel different from one that takes longer because of the differences in muscle tension and blood buildup.

What I’m trying to get at is each feeling of orgasm is different. It isn’t about achieving an orgasm but experiencing an orgasm, one isn't better than the other, they shouldn’t be compared to other women’s, it doesn’t matter how you have an orgasm or how many, and, in my opinion, each orgasm (no matter how big or small) is one of “life’s most beautiful experiences”.

Orgasm From Penetration

Not only is there not a vaginal OR clitoral orgasm (but simply variations in orgasmic feeling), expecting all women to orgasm through penetration alone is also pretty darn unfair. According to The Hite Report, a study of over three thousand woman conducted by Shere Hite, only 30% of women can have an orgasm through penetration. The study also found that half of that 30% also needed simultaneous clitoral stimulation to reach orgasm through intercourse. That means the majority of women rely on clitoral stimulation to orgasm. What’s more, in a study where 20,000 orgasms were monitored by sexologists William Hartman and Marilyn Fithian, it was found that it takes the average woman 20-30 minutes of constant, sustained stimulation to have an orgasm. With the four minutes of only penetration you currently have to work with, it’s no wonder you are left feeling unsatisfied. That’s just enough time to get the blood flowing and your mind cleared from your hectic day.

What Does This Mean for You?

First, don’t downplay the orgasms you are having because they aren’t the earth-shaking, five-in-a-row ones you think you are supposed to have. Love the awesomeness that is each orgasm, no matter how small or big. What’s more, sexual pleasure doesn’t always have to be about “achieving” orgasm. You can simply want to feel some pleasure but not want an orgasm. Or perhaps you aren’t in the mindset to have one. Whatever it may be, orgasm shouldn’t be the determining factor or end-all-be-all in your pleasure, but rather a part of your overall pleasure experience. And don’t feel like you have to have sex with your boyfriend all the time. He has two hands doesn’t he? And if you aren’t quite satisfied after sex, you have two hands don’t you? Or, speak up and tell him that you need more (more on that later).

If you do want to have sex and an orgasm during sex, you will probably need to do more things than rely on penetration alone. For instance, you can be on top so you can grind your clitoris on his pubic bone. Or, you or your partner can also stimulate your clitoris with a hand or vibrator (yes it can be awkward but practice helps!). And orgasms most certainly don’t have to happen at the same time. If they do, great, but it’s a rare occurrence for most (and an exhausting goal to try and reach).

If tying things during penetration is too tough to synchronize, keep in mind that that your orgasm can happen before, after, and even instead of intercourse by self-pleasuring, mutual self-pleasuring, oral sex, massages, etc. There are so many variations you can play with. For instance, you can have him stimulate you to orgasm, then have sex, then make out. Or maybe when he gets too heated during sex, stop and start making out and then masturbate together. Whatever combination of pleasure you want is great! Play around and have fun! Trying different things will help you find what works to give you the feeling of orgasm that is your favorite. You don’t even need to try some new crazy sexual positions or technique. Start with what you know and keep things simple to build up more intimacy and passion between the two of you. For instance you can kiss passionately without the expectation of sex or give each other a sensual massage for it’s own sake. That isn’t to say you can’t try new things, but often working on and communicating about things you already do is not as scary and can help build comfort between the two of you, which is an important foundation for building intimacy and passion (and later suggesting new things).

Communication & Assertiveness

Unfortunately, your man isn’t a mind reader and he is likely to keep doing what he’s doing unless you speak up. When you ask yourself if you should talk to him about your concerns, the answer is yes. Easier said than done, especially for someone who is shy. To help you out, it is important for you to build your assertiveness. Not only will this make communicating with your partner easier, but also it will lessen your shyness and improve self-image.

In their book Sexual Confidence, Phillips and Judd suggest exercises where you have to maintain your assertiveness in order to help build assertiveness. Makes sense right? They suggest working on one exercise for three weeks, or until it becomes easy, and then move on to exercises that are more challenging for you. Once you are more confident outside of the bedroom, assertiveness inside the bedroom where you can ask what you want, suggest new things, feel like you deserve pleasure, and to be receptive of your partner’s attempts at assertiveness, will become easier.

Some exercises to work on:

1. Accept all compliments without putting yourself down.
2. Express two opinions a day while gradually increasing the controversy of the subject.
3. Express one or two feelings to two or more people a day.
4. Say No or disagree at least twice a week to something you do not want to do.
5. Say Yes at least twice a week to something you would usually deny yourself
6. Ask a favor at least once a week.

Exercises that are more assertive include buying something and returning it, requesting a quite table at a restaurant, and rehearsing with a friend to tell someone to move to the back of the line when they cut in front of you. Self-indulgent exercises are also important to help you feel more deserving of pleasurable activities. For instance, stay in bed an extra few minutes, enjoy putting on lotion, take a day off, exercise, take a bubble bath, etc. Lastly, thought-stopping exercises, where you consciously stop any negative thoughts, such as thinking you don’t deserve to ask for what you want or that other women’s orgasms are better, for more rewarding and pleasurable thoughts will also help your assertiveness.

Once you feel good about your assertiveness outside the bedroom, you will gradually become more comfortable inside the bedroom to communicate to your partner about what you want (such as needing more pressure, to slow it down, suggesting that tonight you just want to make out, or let’s try a new sexual position). And make sure you are receptive to what he has to say as well. It will be easier for your both to be assertive when what either of you say isn’t criticized or laughed at. Lastly, when you feel comfortable, include your partner in your adventure in building your assertiveness. Not only can you encourage him to practice being assertive, but also share with each other any victory in your exercises. It can be very affirming to here positive feedback from your partner when you say, “babe, today I told the gal at the coffee shop that she made me the wrong drink. How cool is that?”

Whew! That’s a longwinded answer to your question and a lot to think about and work on. Remember: The vaginal orgasm isn’t better than a clitoral orgasm (because it doesn’t exist). Penetration during sex alone doesn’t work for most women so more direct clitoral stimulation will likely need to happen before, during, or after sex for you to be satisfied. And work on your assertiveness, which will positively impact all areas of your life, not just in the bedroom.

Best of luck! Please contact me if you have more questions.

Cheers, Chelsea Holland, DHS

Dr. Charlie Glickman
Profile | Website

OK, first thing- all of the hype about how vaginal orgasms are so much better than anything else is hype. About 70% of women need some sort of clitoral stimulation in order to orgasm, even when they’re also doing vaginal penetration. There’s nothing magical about it- it’s a question of where your nerves are located and individual anatomy. Plus, the more you (or your boyfriend) set up vaginal orgasm as a goal, the more the pressure will get in the way.

Second thing- you’re right. It’s pretty common for women to need more time to reach orgasm than men, though that can vary. But if he’s orgasming after a few minutes, who says that that’s the end of sex? He could go down on you. He could use his hands on you. You could make out with him while using your fingers or a vibrator. The notion that sex = intercourse and that it’s over when a man orgasms is one of the biggest myths that gets in the way of a good time. And besides, he might get turned on so much that he’s ready for another round.

On top of that, I’m willing to bet that he’ll find that slowing down and ramping up more slowly makes it more fun and pleasurable for him. It’s the difference between eating as fast as you can and hardly tasting it versus taking your time and enjoying the meal. You don’t say how old he is, but many men discover as they get older that slowing down instead of racing for the finish line is a lot more fun for everyone.

Third thing- if the two of you have difficulty talking about what you each want, that’s a big barrier to getting what you want. Here’s a good approach:

1) Something I really like about sex with you is…
2) Something I’d like to add to our sex life is…
3) Something about our sex life that I’d like to change is…

Be specific. Not "I like touching you." but rather "I like feeling your skin against mine. It makes me feel really close to you.” If you have difficulty saying any of the words, try practicing saying them over and over when you’re by yourself. Most people find that it helps them become more comfortable with them. (This is a good exercise when you’re driving by yourself. Nobody can hear you and anyone who sees you will think you’re singing along to some music.)

The reason this can be helpful is that starting off with a positive thing makes it clear that you’re not attacking him. Also, don’t have this conversation during sex, just after sex, or when you’re cuddly & snuggly. That kills the mood and makes it harder to have a good talk. Instead, go for a walk in the park together. A lot of men have difficulty maintaining face-to-face contact during these talks, so side-by-side often feels safer and easier for them. You can also ask him to tell you his answers, either after you do all three or another time. But don’t let it slide- it’s important for communication to go both ways.

Lastly- a lot of women find that it takes some practice to be able to have the "deep connecting, body rocking, legs can barely move" orgasms. I know it’s frustrating to hear, especially if it seems like everyone else does it easily. Some women do, but lots of them are pretending to have them. Trust me- I talk to people all the time about their sex lives and I can promise you that a lot of the women who claim to have amazing sex really aren’t. There’s a lot of pressure on women to have mind-blowing orgasms and more of them are pretending than you realize.

There isn’t anything wrong with you. It’s almost certainly a matter of figuring out what you need to feel more comfortable and relax into the experience, what kinds of stimulation work for you, and how to talk with your boyfriend.

Here are some good resources that I think you’ll find helpful:

I Love Female Orgasm Lots of amazing info, tips, and suggestions for things to try.

Because It Feels Good: A Woman's Guide to Sexual Pleasure and Satisfaction Written by a top-notch sex researcher, this guide explains how arousal and pleasure work really well.

Tickle Your Fancy The more you know about your body and what feels good for you, the easier it’ll be to enjoy sex with a partner. This easy-to-read guide has lots of good ideas.

What You Really, Really Want This is easily the best book I’ve seen for women who are trying to discover what their sexual desires are and how to talk about them with a partner. If I could pick one book on sex & relationships to give to everyone, this would probably be it.

Exhibitionism For The Shy Overcoming shyness and being able to talk with a partner about what you want are a lot easier with some support and ideas. This is an excellent guide for how to do it.

And if your boyfriend (or you) would like some more info about sexual anatomy, here’s a good overview and here’s a great book. Remember- nobody is born knowing anything about sex, so we all have to learn it somewhere.

I hope this help. Good luck & have fun!

(not open for reader comments)

April 8, 2012

New Members to the Experts Panel

We are proud to announce the addition of two exceptional members to the Sex & Relationship Expert Panel! Dr. Charlie Glickman (who joined us back in December) and Dr. Chelsea Holland... both are gifted professionals and we count ourselves lucky to have their participation here on Dick-n-Jane.com.

Dr. Charlie Glickman
CharlieGlickman.com

Dr. Charlie Glickman PhD is the Education Program Manager at Good Vibrations (www.goodvibes.com) and is certified as a sexuality educator by the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors, and Therapists. He writes and teaches workshops on a wide range of topics, including sex-positivity, sex and shame, communities of erotic affiliation, gender and masculinity, and many different sexual practices. Charlie has also taught classes for medical and mental health professionals, non-profit agency service providers, hotline volunteers, and many organization, communities and social groups. Find out more about him on his website, on Facebook or on Twitter.

Dr. Chelsea Holland
SEXuality Education

Dr. Chelsea Holland is a Doctor of Human Sexuality (DHS) based in Colorado. She is a sex educator, sex counselor and writer. She helps individuals, partners, and groups regardless of their sexual orientation, sexual interests, ability, and age with concerns and questions around their sexuality and relationships. Further, she uses her open-minded, sex-positive, and nonjudgmental approach to help individuals become aware and accepting of who they are, to learn to be authentic in society about who they are, and to learn skills that will help them develop and maintain positive relationships that are accepting of the individual's authenticity.

Dr. Holland fist received her Bachelor of Science in News-Editorial with an emphasis in Integrative Physiology from the University of Colorado at Boulder. To follow her passion for learning and helping others regarding sex and sexuality, she continued her education by completing her Associate in Sex Education and Clinical Sexology Certificate from the Institute for Advanced Study of Human Sexuality (IASHS), where she also obtained her Doctor of Human Sexuality. Currently, Dr. Holland is an active member of AASECT and currently writes for Good Vibrations Magazine and Blog, NotSoSecret.com, and RelateSpace.com.

To learn more about Dr. Holland, visit her on Facebook, Twitter, LinkedIn, and her blog.

March 26, 2012

What To Do About Kids Walking In

Question

I understand you and Jane have children so being parents as my husband (Ben) and I are, I'm sure you will be able to relate. You see on more than one occassion one of our kids, mainly our youngest, has intruded on our lovemaking.

Ben and I have locked our bedroom door, but even this does not help as the continous knocking is a severe distraction. It doesnt happen every night, but when it does it is like a splash of ice cold water, just kills the mood.

Last night was one of those nights. Ben had finished his shower then came to bed. It was after 11 and we lay there cuddling and talking about our day, even checked out your blog as well as the Kristen Archives. Well, naturally, reading those erotic stories made Bens dick hard. I am sure my fondling of his nuts didnt help matters!

I was tired and really wasnt in the mood for fucking, so I began giving him a blow-job. Neither one of us bothered to lock the bedroom door,because we were both tired and weren't planning on any sex. The next thing we knew in walked our youngest, catching me with a mouthful of dick. Ben yanked the cover over us the best he could and told her to go back to bed.

She ran off crying, so I had to leave Ben to check on her and wound up laying down with her. Instead of a blow-job, my poor husband ended up having to beat-off.

What do you say to a seven year old? Why did mommy have daddies T-T in her mouth?

- Gina

Panelists opinions do not necessarily reflect those of Dick-n-Jane.com

Mark A. Michaels and Patricia Johnson
Profile | Website

Lanae StJohn
Profile | The MamaSutra

That's quite a situation! And likely the one every parent fears in their own sex life.

I'll try to address a few of the points that I identified in your email, because there were more in my view than just the two questions you posed at the end.

Chances are your youngest is intruding because they are curious about what is going on when the doors are closed -- think 'are they doing something I am missing out on'? Talking to your children with that in mind can also be the start of some good conversations.

It could also be time to give your children some distinct boundaries, for example, about what closed doors mean & the purpose of knocking. This is about your (and your child's) privacy and being polite by knocking before entering. As parents you have the ability (& frankly, the right) to designate Mommy & Daddy Time. It's important for your relationship as well. Lots of parents sacrifice their own alone time and give their children all their time. Remember, your relationship is why the children came into the world in the first place. Make sure to let all of your children know you want time to yourselves. Let them know that when they get older they will also have the right to close their door for privacy and that you will knock as well.

(Just have to note here my initial reaction to your statement that you were too tired to fuck: a BJ is more work than fucking? What am I doing differently?? LOL)

I've never heard this term before: what is this "T-T" you refer to? The first thing I tell parents as they are raising their children: please use the proper names for the parts of the body. Do you call a nose by another name? Feet? There is nothing to be ashamed about with naming the parts of the body. Our society has lots of shame around the human body. I think the more parents use the proper names and make saying the names more "mainstream", the more other parents will use the proper names. Eventually those who do use weird euphemisms (pee pee, wee wee, unit, peter, etc) will be seen as silly and those terms will become less commonplace. You can even own it and say (if this is the case) your parents didn't talk to you using the anatomical names so you are a little embarrassed or uncomfortable saying these words to them but there's nothing wrong with the human body and you want them to know that. Let them know that you will be adjusting to using the terms as well so your children don't grow up with these same hang ups you did. In any event, please use the regular names of the body with your children. You will notice it becomes really less of a big deal. Ok, rant over. ;)

Lemme ask a couple questions for clarification: was the room dark? Is it possible the child was wandering in half asleep and didn't notice what exactly was happening when they opened the door? Was there anything for the child to see in the 1st place if the room was dark?

Sorry to say, but making a big deal out of or strongly reacting to your child finding you in a compromising position probably did more harm than simply stopping, covering mommy with the sheet - but even that part isn't completely crucial - and taking a minute to calmly say, "what is it honey?" and not making a "scene" out of being caught. I understand the shock of the moment probably naturally caused the two of you to jump. I can tell u from experience that making it sort of a non-event makes it something they quickly forget. Example:
My door does not lock at all -guess how we discovered that? My girls have entered the room often, I sleep naked as well so I typically have at least a sheet as cover. Many times when he is on top of me -under the covers or sometimes just the sheet- and perhaps even inside of me. Sometimes we freeze and sometimes not. The tone of voice is calm to ask if they can go back out and knock first. They do and that gives us a moment to decide if we want to say "come in" or come back later.

What does a parent say to a 7 year old? First of all, I don't see any need to explain EXACTLY what you were doing to daddy or why daddy's penis (not a T-T) was in your mouth; Adults tend to give way too much info for kids to digest. Unless she specifically asks again but even then I would wrap it all under the following -- I would say this: Your mommy and daddy love each other very much. When adults love each other very much they like to kiss and touch each other Because It Feels Good. Mommy and daddy like to have private time together, sometimes after you kids go to bed, to do these things to show each other love. You are getting old enough to understand that if the door is closed mommy & daddy want some time alone together. It is polite for you to knock first. You are also old enough that if you need a drink of water or something after we put you to bed you are old enough to get it yourself (making sure the child has everything they need at their reach to do this independently). We both love you very much and we didn't mean to hurt your feelings when we sent you away crying. That was probably a really sad way to go back to bed. We're sorry. You startled us and that is what caused us to react the way we did.

As I said, speaking from experience, I know this is one of parenting's most stickyiest situations. It doesnt have to be as scary as we make it out to be. I hope this helps you.

xxoo,
The MamaSutra

(open for moderated reader comments)

May 4, 2012

Seeking A Sex Toy Similar To A Jacuzzi Jet